


Musketeer Owner's Manual

by wildforce71



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Gen, Humour, It's all in good fun, much love to theresa green
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 13:58:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2510279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildforce71/pseuds/wildforce71
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For those Owners who have lost their manuals and need a quick refresher. Please leave any questions in the comment form and a representative will be with you shortly.</p><p>From a kinkmeme prompt <a href="http://bbcmusketeerskink.dreamwidth.org/2286.html?thread=2749166#cmt2749166">here.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Athos

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
You are now the proud owner of an ATHOS Musketeer!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your ATHOS will give you many years of quality performance. 

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your ATHOS, unwrap him from his Musketeer cloak and allow it to hang freely. You may wish to remove his hat also. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.  
Your ATHOS should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the ATHOS.  
(a) Mark I ATHOS (copyright Dumas, 1844)  
(b) Mark II ATHOS (copyright Herek/Sutherland, 1993)  
(c) Mark III ATHOS (copyright Hodges/Burke, 2014)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: ATHOS (aka Compte de la Fere)  
Type: Human male  
Site of Manufacture: France  
Electrical Connection: Not necessary  
Colour:  
Mk I ATHOS – Uncertain  
Mk II ATHOS – Blond  
Mk III ATHOS – Brunette

ACCESSORIES  
Your ATHOS comes complete with full Musketeer’s uniform, varying weapons including but not limited to sword, dagger and pistol, a locket with forget me nots pressed inside, and a mostly empty wine bottle.

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your ATHOS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or French.  
Remember that your ATHOS is not just decorative; he has 101 uses around the home and garden. For example:  
Salesmen:  
Your ATHOS will easily get rid of those annoying salesmen. Make sure you specify that he should not injure them.   
Politicking:  
Your ATHOS is well able to keep up with the local politics and will make sure you know exactly who to treat with deference and who to snub.  
Sommelier:  
Your ATHOS is knowledgeable about wine and will provide you with the perfect vintage for any meal.  
Dueling:  
Your ATHOS will deal with any slight to you quickly and efficiently.  
Recitation:  
Your ATHOS is highly educated and may, with some persuasion, entertain you by reciting poems or plays. They will probably be in Latin.

*** CAUTION *** Your ATHOS is a fully functional male human and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a ATHOS by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your ATHOS is compatible with most other humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your ATHOS in conjunction with any model equipped with a ‘For the good of France’ mode.  
The maintenance of a MUSKETEER as an attachment to a ATHOS is generally not problematic. The ATHOS and MUSKETEER models have two modes of interaction:  
(a) Friendly  
(b) Slash  
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the ATHOS and MUSKETEER units be set to the same interaction mode. If the MUSKETEER model is set to ‘Friendly’ while the ATHOS is set to ‘Slash’, your ATHOS may find himself challenged to a duel.

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your ATHOS, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your ATHOS in the appropriate areas.   
*** CAUTION *** Avoid leaving buckets of water anywhere they may freeze. Your ATHOS may choose to use them as an alarm clock.  
LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your ATHOS remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your ATHOS is beyond the scope of this manual.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your ATHOS’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your ATHOS:  
Food:  
The ATHOS does not need as much food as the D’ARTAGNAN or PORTHOS models, but he benefits from regular refuelling.  
Drink:  
If your ATHOS’s energy is almost spent, allow him a little wine or ale. Your ATHOS may try to convince you that he needs plenty of alcohol to maintain the perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. Excessive drinking of alcohol in ATHOS models can lead to malfunctions.  
Sleep:  
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your ATHOS needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his years of soldiering and alcoholism.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the ATHOS (especially the Mk III), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your ATHOS.  
* Have your ATHOS micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of Musketeers to carry out this procedure.  
* Do not leave your ATHOS unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your ATHOS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).  
* Do not leave your ATHOS on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.  
*** CAUTION *** Your ATHOS may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: Can I take my ATHOS on holiday with me?  
A: Yes, but you must avoid stately homes. Taking your ATHOS to a stately home, especially if slightly run down, could cause a permanent ‘Guilty Conscience’ malfunction. Instead consider taking your ATHOS on vacation to the English Lake District or Sherwood Forest. A North American owner may want to take his or her ATHOS hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He will probably carry all your gear for you and will never get lost!  
Q: Can I purchase a second ATHOS?  
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one ATHOS per household.  
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my ATHOS could become pregnant. Is this true?  
A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your ATHOS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with any random person he meets.  
Q: Where should I store my ATHOS when he is not in use?  
A: Generally speaking your ATHOS should be kept in a spare bedroom when he is not in use. Wrap him in his Musketeer cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your ATHOS and MUSKETEER models are both set to ‘Slash’ mode, you may find that you have to put the Musketeer in the bedroom too. If so, consider investing in sound proofing.

TROUBLE SHOOTING  
Problem: Your ATHOS keeps challenging random people to duels.  
Solution: Remind him that he must think with his head, not his heart.  
Problem: Your ATHOS seems distracted and there is a faraway look in his eyes. It is very difficult to attract his attention. He may even seem pale and ill.   
Solution: Your ATHOS has become afflicted with a ‘Guilty Conscience’ malfunction. Did you allow him to come into contact with a MILADY unit? The only known cure is to purchase the other MUSKETEER units and set them to ‘Reassuring’ mode.   
Problem: Your ATHOS has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.  
Solution: Adjust the ‘Slash’ setting on both your ATHOS and MUSKETEER models from NC17 to PG13.   
Problem: Your ATHOS sleeps with his eyes open.  
Solution: You have allowed him to drink too much alcohol. Remove all alcohol from his vicinity and wait a day or so.   
Problem: Your ATHOS sleeps with his eyes shut.  
Solution: This is not a problem.  
Problem: Your ATHOS is excessively avaricious and keeps attempting to seduce people.  
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a JACK CASANOVA rather than an ATHOS. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.  
Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your ATHOS with physical violence.  
Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your ATHOS. Have you been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in French all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?  
Problem: Your ATHOS is engaging in self-destructive behaviour, and your MUSKTEERS have not been able to stop him.  
Solution: Purchase a CAPTAIN TREVILLE unit and set him to ‘Paternal’ mode.

FINAL NOTE  
IF you follow these instructions carefully, your ATHOS will give many, many years of faithful service.


	2. Aramis

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
You are now the proud owner of an ARAMIS Musketeer!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your ARAMIS will give you many years of quality performance. 

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your ARAMIS, unwrap him from his Musketeer cloak and allow it to hang freely. We do not advise you remove his hat. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage, unless you want to.  
Your ARAMIS should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the ARAMIS.  
(a) Mark I ARAMIS (copyright Dumas, 1844)  
(b) Mark II ARAMIS (copyright Herek/Sheen, 1993)  
(c) Mark III ARAMIS (copyright Hodges/Cabrera, 2014)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: ARAMIS (aka Rene d’Herblay)  
Type: Human male  
Site of Manufacture: France  
Electrical Connection: Not necessary  
Colour:  
Mk I ARAMIS – Uncertain  
Mk II ARAMIS – Brunette  
Mk III ARAMIS – Brunette

ACCESSORIES  
Your ARAMIS comes complete with full Musketeer uniform, varying weapons including but not limited to a sword, dagger, pistol and musket, a hat with a very fine feather, and a cross on a chain around his neck.

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your ARAMIS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English, Spanish or French.  
Remember that your ARAMIS is not just decorative; he has 101 uses around the home and garden. For example:  
Salesmen:  
Your ARAMIS will easily get rid of those annoying salesmen. Make sure you specify that he should not injure them.   
Seduction:   
Your ARAMIS is accomplished in the arts of romance and will tutor you. These lessons may require many practical demonstrations.  
Dueling:  
Your ARAMIS will deal with any slight to you quickly and efficiently.  
Religion:  
Your ARAMIS is highly religious and will debate theology with you.  
Medic:  
Your ARAMIS is well able to deal with everyday injuries. Make sure that he checks the healing process thoroughly at short intervals.

*** CAUTION *** Your ARAMIS is a fully functional male human and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a ARAMIS by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your ARAMIS is compatible with most other humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your ARAMIS in conjunction with any model equipped with a wife.  
The maintenance of a MUSKETEER as an attachment to a ARAMIS is generally not problematic. The ARAMIS and MUSKETEER models have two modes of interaction:  
(a) Friendly  
(b) Slash  
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the ARAMIS and MUSKETEER units be set to the same interaction mode. If the MUSKETEER model is set to ‘Friendly’ while the ARAMIS is set to ‘Slash’, your ARAMIS may find himself challenged to a duel.

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your ARAMIS, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your ARAMIS in the appropriate areas.   
*** CAUTION *** Avoid leaving expensive lotions anywhere your ARAMIS can find them. He may decide to use them on himself.

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your ARAMIS remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your ARAMIS is beyond the scope of this manual.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your ARAMIS’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your ARAMIS:  
Food:  
The ARAMIS does not need as much food as the D’ARTAGNAN or PORTHOS models, but he benefits from regular refuelling.  
Drink:  
If your ARAMIS’s energy is almost spent, allow him a little wine or ale.   
Sleep:  
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your ARAMIS needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his years of soldiering.  
**CAUTION** Your ARAMIS is a soldier and may not react well to sudden awakening. Be wary.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the ARAMIS (especially the Mk III), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your ARAMIS.  
* Have your ARAMIS micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of Musketeers to carry out this procedure.  
* Do not leave your ARAMIS unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your ARAMIS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).  
* Do not leave your ARAMIS on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.  
*** CAUTION *** Your ARAMIS may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: Can I take my ARAMIS on holiday with me?  
A: Yes, but you must avoid forests in winter. Taking your ARAMIS to a snowy woodland could cause a permanent ‘Survivor’s Guilt’ malfunction. Instead consider taking your ARAMIS on vacation to the English Lake District or Sherwood Forest.   
Q: Can I purchase a second ARAMIS?  
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one ARAMIS per household.  
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my ARAMIS could become pregnant. Is this true?  
A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your ARAMIS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with any random person he meets.  
Q: Where should I store my ARAMIS when he is not in use?  
A: Generally speaking your ARAMIS should be kept in a spare bedroom when he is not in use. Wrap him in his Musketeer cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your ARAMIS and MUSKETEER models are both set to ‘Slash’ mode, you may find that you have to put the Musketeer in the bedroom too. If so, consider investing in sound proofing.

TROUBLE SHOOTING  
Problem: Your ARAMIS keeps attempting to seduce every woman he meets.  
Solution: Keep him away from women for a while. Try to entertain him at home instead.  
Problem: Your ARAMIS has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.  
Solution: Adjust the ‘celibacy’ setting on your ARAMIS. If all else fails, tell him it’s Lent and he must give up sex for a time.  
Problem: Your ARAMIS insists on shooting at far away or very difficult targets.  
Solution: Assure him that he is the best shot in the garrison and everyone knows it. If that fails, hide his weapons and distract him.  
Problem: Your ARAMIS is derisive to members of other faiths.  
Solution: Keep him away from members of other faiths, or don’t bring religious beliefs up in conversation.  
Problem: Your ARAMIS is excessively noble and brooding and makes no attempt to seduce people.  
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a LANCELOT rather than an ARAMIS. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.  
Problem: Your ARAMIS is excessively dishevelled and keeps showing up covered in paint and muttering about cheerleaders.  
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with an ISAAC MENDEZ rather than an ARAMIS. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him. Insure he cannot access any drugs.  
Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your ARAMIS with physical violence.  
Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your ARAMIS. Have you been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in French all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?

FINAL NOTE  
If you follow the instructions laid out in this manual, your ARAMIS will give many, many years of faithful service.


	3. Porthos

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
You are now the proud owner of a PORTHOS Musketeer!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your PORTHOS will give you many years of quality performance. 

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your PORTHOS, unwrap him from his Musketeer cloak and allow it to hang freely. You may wish to remove his hat also. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.  
Your PORTHOS should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the PORTHOS.  
(a) Mark I PORTHOS (copyright Dumas, 1844)  
(b) Mark II PORTHOS (copyright Herek/Platt, 1993)  
(c) Mark III PORTHOS (copyright Hodges/Charles, 2014)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: PORTHOS (aka Baron du Vallon de Bracieux de Pierrefonds)  
Type: Human male  
Site of Manufacture: France  
Electrical Connection: Not necessary  
Colour:  
Mk I PORTHOS – Uncertain  
Mk II PORTHOS – Brunette  
Mk III PORTHOS – Black

ACESSORIES  
Your PORTHOS comes complete with full Musketeer’s outfit, varying weapons including but not limited to sword, dagger, and pistol, a bandana, and a card up his sleeve.

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your PORTHOS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or French.  
Remember that your PORTHOS is not just decorative; he has 101 uses around the home and garden. For example:  
Salesmen:  
Your PORTHOS will easily get rid of those annoying salesmen. Make sure you specify that he should not injure them.  
Funding:  
Your PORTHOS can easily acquire some petty cash when needed. Initial outlay of a pack of cards and some drink necessary.  
Moving heavy objects:  
Your PORTHOS can easily move any heavy object. If he seems unwilling, tell him that ARAMIS is trapped under it. It may be necessary to purchase an ARAMIS and place him under anything you want moved, as PORTHOS is unlikely to fall for this more than once.  
Dueling:  
Your PORTHOS will deal with any slight to you quickly and efficiently.  
Children’s Homework:  
Your PORTHOS is eager to learn and will help your children with their homework.

*** CAUTION *** Your PORTHOS is a fully functional male human and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a PORTHOS by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your PORTHOS is compatible with most other humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your PORTHOS in conjunction with any model equipped with a ‘Slavery’ mode.  
The maintenance of a MUSKETEER as an attachment to a PORTHOS is generally not problematic. The PORTHOS and MUSKETEER models have two modes of interaction:  
(a) Friendly  
(b) Slash  
Be sure you have purchased a MUSKETEER and not a RED GUARD. Attempting to keep both PORTHOS and RED GUARD in the same household will almost always lead to a damaged RED GUARD.  
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the PORTHOS and MUSKETEER units be set to the same interaction mode. If the MUSKETEER model is set to ‘Friendly’ while the PORTHOS is set to ‘Slash’, your PORTHOS may find himself challenged to a duel.

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your PORTHOS, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your PORTHOS in the appropriate areas.  
LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your PORTHOS remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your PORTHOS is beyond the scope of this manual.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your PORTHOS’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your PORTHOS:  
Food:  
The PORTHOS benefits from regular refuelling. Do not leave him alone anywhere near your pantry.  
Drink:  
If your PORTHOS’s energy is almost spent, allow him a little wine or ale.  
Sleep:  
You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your PORTHOS needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his years of soldiering.  
**WARNING** Your Porthos will not react well to sudden awakening.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the PORTHOS (especially the Mk III), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your PORTHOS.  
* Have your PORTHOS micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of Musketeers to carry out this procedure.  
* Do not leave your PORTHOS unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your PORTHOS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).  
* Do not leave your PORTHOS on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.  
*** CAUTION *** Your PORTHOS may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: Can I purchase a second PORTHOS?  
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one PORTHOS per household.  
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my PORTHOS could become pregnant. Is this true?  
A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your PORTHOS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with any random person he meets.  
Q: Where should I store my PORTHOS when he is not in use?  
A: Generally speaking your PORTHOS should be kept in a spare bedroom when he is not in use. Wrap him in his Musketeer cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your PORTHOS and MUSKETEER models are both set to ‘Slash’ mode, you may find that you have to put the Musketeer in the bedroom too. If so, consider investing in sound proofing.

TROUBLE SHOOTING  
Problem: Your PORTHOS seems distracted and there is a faraway look in his eyes. It is very difficult to attract his attention.  
Solution: It is the anniversary of his initiation. All PORTHOS units become introverted and quiet on this day. Purchase at least one other MUSKETEER unit and send them out drinking. You may wish to confiscate pistols, muskets, and watermelons before letting them go.  
Problem: Your PORTHOS has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.  
Solution: Ask your neighbour to keep a better eye on his ALICE and/or FLEA models.  
Problem: Your PORTHOS keeps pickpocketing the neighbours.  
Solution: His settings have been altered. Ensure that your PORTHOS is set to MUSKETEER mode, not COURT OF MIRACLES mode.  
Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your PORTHOS with physical violence.  
Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your PORTHOS. Have you been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in French all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?  
Problem: Your PORTHOS is wearing a bandana, waving a sword and speaking oddly.  
Solution: Your PORTHOS is set to PIRATE mode. This cannot be disengaged; you must simply convince him that whatever actions you wish him to undertake are for the Good of France. He will revert to MUSKETEER mode in time. Be careful to limit his interaction with your ATHOS unit during this time, however, as ATHOS does not always react well to units in ‘Good of France’ mode.

FINAL NOTE  
If you follow these instructions carefully, your PORTHOS will give many, many years of faithful service.


	4. d'Artagnan

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***  
You are now the proud owner of a D'ARTAGNAN Musketeer!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your D'ARTAGNAN will give you many years of quality performance. 

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your D'ARTAGNAN, unwrap him from his cloak and allow it to hang freely. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.  
Your D'ARTAGNAN should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the D'ARTAGNAN.  
Due to demand there are currently two variations of a single model available.  
(a) Mark I D'ARTAGNAN (copyright Hodges/Pasqualino, 2014) (pre-commission)  
(b) Mark II D'ARTAGNAN (copyright Hodges/Pasqualino, 2014) (post-commission)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: D'ARTAGNAN (aka Charles Ogier de Batz de Castelmore)  
Type: Human male  
Site of Manufacture: Gascony  
Electrical Connection: Not necessary  
Colour:  
Mk I D'ARTAGNAN – Black  
Mk II D'ARTAGNAN – Black

ACESSORIES  
Your MK I D'ARTAGNAN comes complete with outfit, varying weapons including but not limited to sword, dagger, and pistol, an empty money pouch, and a chip on his shoulder.  
Your MK II D'ARTAGNAN comes complete with Musketeer’s outfit, varying weapons including but not limited to sword, dagger, and pistol, a broken heart, and a finely crafted handkerchief with CB monogrammed on it.

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your D'ARTAGNAN has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or French.  
Remember that your D'ARTAGNAN is not just decorative; he has 101 uses around the home and garden. For example:  
Weapons tutoring:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN will teach you how to shoot and sword fight. His technique is extremely hands on.  
Salesmen:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN will easily get rid of those annoying salesmen. Make sure you specify that he should not injure them.   
Aesthetic:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN will have no objection to changing his clothes in front of other people. Note this is usually reserved for his top half.  
Dispensing Justice:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN feels strongly about justice and will always weigh in on any fight he sees. Turn him loose on neighbourhood bullies or cheating love rats.  
Dueling:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN will deal with any slight to you quickly and efficiently.  
Language:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN is fluent in French, Gascon, and for ease of use, English. He will happily instruct you in any of these.

 

*** CAUTION *** Your D'ARTAGNAN is a fully functional male human and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a D'ARTAGNAN by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your D'ARTAGNAN is compatible with most other humans.   
The maintenance of a MUSKETEER as an attachment to a D'ARTAGNAN is generally not problematic. The D'ARTAGNAN and MUSKETEER models have two modes of interaction:  
(a) Friendly  
(b) Slash  
Be sure you have purchased a MUSKETEER and not a RED GUARD. Attempting to keep both D'ARTAGNAN and RED GUARD in the same household will almost always lead to a damaged RED GUARD. Under no circumstances place a MK II D'ARTAGNAN with a MILADY unit.  
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the D'ARTAGNAN and MUSKETEER units be set to the same interaction mode. If the MUSKETEER model is set to ‘Friendly’ while the D'ARTAGNAN is set to ‘Slash’, your D'ARTAGNAN may find himself challenged to a duel.

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your D'ARTAGNAN, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your D'ARTAGNAN in the appropriate areas.   
LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your D'ARTAGNAN remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your D'ARTAGNAN is beyond the scope of this manual.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your D'ARTAGNAN’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your D'ARTAGNAN:  
Food:  
The D’ARTAGNAN benefits from regular refuelling. Make sure some form of snack is available if he is unoccupied.  
Drink:  
If your D'ARTAGNAN’s energy is almost spent, allow him a little wine or ale.   
Sleep:  
Your D'ARTAGNAN needs plenty of rest to function properly. He may benefit from sharing your bed; this varies from owner to owner and will need a lot of testing.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the D’ARTAGNAN, it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your D’ARTAGNAN.  
* Have your D’ARTAGNAN micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of Musketeers to carry out this procedure.  
* Do not leave your D’ARTAGNAN unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your D’ARTAGNAN to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).  
* Do not leave your D’ARTAGNAN on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.  
*** CAUTION *** Your D’ARTAGNAN may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: Can I purchase a second D’ARTAGNAN?  
A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one D’ARTAGNAN per household. We also cannot allow any one household to purchase both a MK I and a MK II. Make your choice wisely.  
Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my D’ARTAGNAN could become pregnant. Is this true?  
A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your D’ARTAGNAN is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with any random person he meets.  
Q: Where should I store my D’ARTAGNAN when he is not in use?  
A: Generally speaking your D’ARTAGNAN should be kept in a spare bedroom when he is not in use. Wrap him in his cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your D’ARTAGNAN and MUSKETEER models are both set to ‘Slash’ mode, you may find that you have to put the Musketeer in the bedroom too. If so, consider investing in sound proofing. If you have chosen to purchase a CONSTANCE BONASCIEX model, she may need to be stored with your MK I D'ARTAGNAN. DO NOT attempt to place a MK II and a CONSTANCE together, as it will result in a crying CONSTANCE and a MK II who mutters bitterly at every opportunity.

TROUBLE SHOOTING  
Problem: Your D’ARTAGNAN keeps reciting “Hello. My name is Inigio Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”   
Solution: He has become confused by dialogue similarities. Confiscate all copies of The Princess Bride and keep him away from ATHOS and LEBARGE units until he has stopped reciting.  
Problem: Your MK I D’ARTAGNAN has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.  
Solution: Ask your neighbour to keep a better eye on his CONSTANCE and/or MILADY models.   
Problem: Your D’ARTAGNAN keeps trying to duel the neighbours.  
Solution: Remind your D'ARTAGNAN that none of your neighbours were responsible for his father’s death.  
Problem: Your D'ARTAGNAN has moved into your neighbour’s spare room and is mooning over the lady of the house.  
Solution: Remind him that she is a married woman. If this fails, purchase an ARAMIS unit and have him seduce her instead.  
Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your D’ARTAGNAN with physical violence.  
Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your D’ARTAGNAN. Have you been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in Gascon all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?  
Problem: Your D’ARTAGNAN is wearing a spacesuit, waving a blaster and speaking oddly.  
Solution: You have accidentally been issued a “WILLIAM ‘HUSKER’ ADAMA” unit. If you have retained your receipt, we may be able to arrange an exchange. Otherwise, keep your HUSKER away from your toaster at all times.

FINAL NOTE  
If you follow these instructions carefully, your D’ARTAGNAN will give many, many years of faithful service.


End file.
